Survival of the unfittest

.. or unsteadiest!

I managed to get through the wedding with making too much of a twit of myself. Although I did manage to tread on Jane’s feet (the Bridesmaid). I believe that the whole sorry incident /waltz is going on YouTube soon. It’s safe to say I don’t do dancing – I can’t even do a simple waltz (back and forth in a circle? I managed the circle!). I had a good time meeting and greeting, and there weren’t too many cock-ups. Although I did resemble Borat in my suit, and made the mistake on mentioning it to Tommy the groom, who didn’t miss a chance. I was staying over in Currie, and I also had to race back to the flat to collect my shirt, after I forgot to put it in with the suit. The rings were a little tight I’m given to understand, but they fitted eventually

I was well and truly plastered when I got home that night – way too much Belhaven best and Rose wine! Speaking of getting plastered, WHAT a mess! The plasterers visited on Thursday, and managed to get globs of plaster everywhere. They got a lot of it on the tenement stairs, which I’ve cleaned tonight. Must be the first time in a decade that it’s been done, judging by the crap the mop picked up.

ANYWAY, here’s my Best man’s speech in it’s glorious(?) entirety. I even managed to work in a quote from Stargate: it’s rule 4. One of Jack O’Neill’s best comments.

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. My name is Bill Heron, and I’m the Best man. Before I begin my speech, I’d like to make sure that all the exits are clear – just in case I have to leave in a hurry, you understand!

I’ve known Tommy (or Tam as his friends call him, amongst other names..) since we were in primary school together. Bearing in mind all the dirt that I’ve got on him, I’m surprised he asked me to be Best man. However, I’m happy to be here and included in the proceedings.

Writing this speech has given me some difficulty. I’d actually planned to deliver the it in a similar manner to one of Tommy’s stories. However, time is short, and I’m sure we’d like to get on with the reception before nightfall.

Now then, Tommy, I know you said that what happened in Prague stays in Prague. You didn’t say anything about Edinburgh!

Folks, I’d like you to look at Tommy’s expression – like a rabbit caught in headlights – note this expression, I’ve seen it many times recently. Pure, abject terror. You might also see it a few times during this speech.

As it is mainly family here I’ll be keeping it clean, so the only other person about to experience gut-wrenching paralytic fear during this speech is me.

Anyway, I’m sure that many of you would be fascinated to know the details of what happened on the stag nights in Prague and Edinburgh. Unfortunately I cannot disclose any details, as I promised Tommy I’d keep things free of smut: so, the story about the Swedish Women’s volleyball team and the bowl of coleslaw is out. So is the one with the wetsuit and a bucket of soapy frogs. The less said about the butter incident the better.

Here’s a little bit of history: I was there right from the start when Tam and Susan first met. I think it was my birthday, but it was certainly in November and we were all in the pub…

No, he wasn’t drunk. However, one thing leads to another so they say.

I first got the impression that Susan was the right girl for Tommy when he and I went to Tokyo a few weeks later.

For Christmas that year, Susan bought Tommy a watch. As a result of this, Tommy decided to get her something nice. We visited a LOT of shops in an effort for him to find something really special. Three things stand out: a set of knives, a pair of handcuffs, and a pair of earrings.

If I recall correctly, one of those was for Tommy’s own use! (oh, there’s the look again!)

Either way, he was very discerning in his quest. It took him days to find the right pair and he agonised over it up till then. I’d never seen him behave like that before. He took almost as long choosing the earrings.

Anyway, Susan was somewhat grateful I’m led to understand!

Moving swiftly on.

By the way, Susan you look beautiful today – hopefully you won’t hit me too hard later.

As is customary I’d like to congratulate Jane the bridesmaid on a difficult job well done – who, like me, had the task of getting someone to be in the right place at the right time. Well done! My job was easier – we were in the pub around the corner.

I’m supposed to offer up some advice on married life. Unfortunately, I’m not really qualified to do so. Then again, maybe I am – it depends on your concepts of freedom and commitment I guess. By the way, Susan, you won’t need to get him whipped into shape. That’s already been done, as I’m sure you’re aware.

1. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
2. Tommy, here’s a useful phrase from American law that you may find useful: “I cannot reply to that question on the grounds that it might incriminate me”.
3. Women have shoes, gossip and shopping. Men have sci-fi, sport, and games. One gender cannot comprehend the other’s fascinations.
4. We men speak our minds on relationship issues – that’s why we don’t say much!

After that character assassination, I’d like to pay tribute to Tommy’s dependability and steadfastness – I’ve actually got “stubborn git” written down here. He’s a good mate and someone that can be relied upon; one of his teachers called him “ready beck” at school. It might also because of his inability to shift any time before 11am, just like the cereal of the same name.

In closing, I’d like to take this moment to wish Susan the best of luck, sorry, the happy COUPLE the best of luck – the best of health – oh, and my apologies!

So now, without any further ado: Ladies and Gentlemen: to Tommy and Susan.

At least they’re still speaking to me…